


Coffee and Contemplation

by pisss, Voidfrick



Category: Homestuck
Genre: 20 Questions, Abusive Bro, Angst, Child Abuse, Coffee, Comforting, Crushes, Dungeons & Dragons, Fluff, Hispanic Karkat, Humanstuck, Insomnia, M/M, Misgendering, Nightmares, POV Karkat Vantas, Panic Attacks, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - Freeform, Trans Karkat Vantas, cronus is a dickbag, dave's an awkward fuck, deadnaming, karkat has a bit of a noncon dream, karkat is gay, nothing happens but it's potentially triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-11-30 15:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11466255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pisss/pseuds/pisss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidfrick/pseuds/Voidfrick
Summary: "Why can’t a friend trail their fingers over another friend’s skin? Nothing weird, just tracing their scars or having a game of connect the dots with their freckles. He’s just so fucking pretty. Goddammit, why am I like this?"When Karkat can't sleep, his mind begins to wander. For some reason, it always ends up wandering to Dave: the dumbass he met at a D&D session. Insomnia's a fucking bitch sometimes.





	Coffee and Contemplation

**Author's Note:**

> void- yo! thanks for reading. i think ive made a lot of improvement in my writing since i last uploaded anything. also now, i have an angry little shit helping me write. we have a multi-chapter fic coming soon, so stay tuned!
> 
> piss- thanks for reading this dipshits. i sold my left kidney for this

I can't sleep. It's 3 am and I've been sitting here for two hours now. Two damn hours. Can you believe that? This is fucking stupid.

We hung out today. So what? We’re friends. Close friends. You can curl up in your friends’ arms, right? And kiss their lips until they’re numb? God fucking hell! Friends. Friends don’t work like that. The most that will ever happen is occasionally getting to cuddle up with him. He doesn’t want more, I don’t want more. Yeah, I don’t want any of his gentle smiles or cute little pouty faces. I want nothing to do with the serious expression he puts on when he’s focusing...or anything he can do with those soft-looking lips. Fuck. Why do his lips look so goddamn soft? Why am I thinking about his lips anyway?

I mean, I already know his hands are soft, a little rough but still always gentle. Why can’t a friend trail their fingers over another friend’s skin? Nothing weird, just tracing their scars or having a game of connect the dots with their freckles. He’s just so fucking pretty. Goddammit, why am I like this?  
I can’t close my eyes without seeing his, and they’re so damn beautiful. Not to mention how they crinkle when he smiles or laughs at his own stupid fucking jokes. Suffice to say I’m usually laughing too...Or trying not to.  
How did this even happen?

It probably started the second we met, which was awkward as all hell.

I had a Dungeons and Dragons session with two of my closest friends, Kanaya Maryam and Terezi Pyrope. Terezi was the first one to start adding onto our small group. She invited her new girlfriend to the session. Now this would have been all fine and dandy except for one little factor: She was a huge fucking bitch. Her name is Vriska Serket and god, she never shuts up.

Terezi kept bitching that we needed to “expand our friend group.” So, the next session Kanaya brought someone. She was from her book club at the library. Her name was Rose Lalonde, and on this particular day she happened to be a package deal. She walked in with her brother, Dave Strider, pale and covered in freckles. He tripped walking through the front door and tried to play it off as if he meant for it to happen. He shot me finger guns. I had never seen this man in my life. I gave him an awkward and confused wave, probably with the most idiotic expression on my face. At that moment I believed he was one of the stupidest people I had ever met. I was correct, yet now I find it endearing. Throughout the evening he only proved that I was right about his idiocy; he knocked over two of our figures and kept blurting out the most moronic things. He got shouted at by multiple members of the group, including and mostly myself.

Honestly, the first time we met I thought we would hate each other.

When we were introduced, he briefly thought “Karkat” was a joke and snorted. Kanaya glared at him and Rose hit his arm. He was soon bright red and trying to dig himself out, only to make it worse.

He also thought I went by female pronouns, which I can’t really blame him for, but Kanaya chewed him out. He actually managed not to make that one worse, only apologizing profusely and explaining that his other sister was also trans. I was still pissed at the time and felt like absolute shit, so I ended up going home early. Kanaya drove me back and stayed over for the night, we spent most of it half-watching the commercial channel and eating ice cream while I bitched.

In the weeks to come I only saw more of his face, and after a few months passed we started to actually become friends. He managed to get me to forgive him and I started to genuinely enjoy his company. At that point we were mostly seeing each other at events with the others: D&D sessions, movie nights, lunches, whatever we were both invited to. Yet, it didn’t take long for us to start going to each others houses for video games or dinner. The others still invite themselves on occasion.

Recently other members of the group have been making jokes about us getting together. That must be why I started getting these ideas. Nothing more to it then that, I’m just lonely. I just want someone to fall asleep with or watch movies with or kiss or cuddle or whatever! Not Dave, he’s just...A very pleasant candidate. Nothing more than that. Less than that. God, I’m just going to get some coffee. Fuck this.

As I flick on the coffee maker, my mind wanders off again. What if he was here with me? What if we’d been cuddling in bed? Would he have wrapped his arms around my waist and gently tugged me back? Sleepily asked me to stay? I shake my head and rub my eyes. God, I must be fucking tired. How many nights have I ended up like this in the past week? Three or four? Fuck it, who cares. It’s not like I sleep much anyway. I’ve got bags under my eyes and I constantly look miserable. My hair’s getting a bit too long, I’ve got a baby face and my acne is getting out of line again. I’m also due for a shower. That doesn’t even account for the extra pounds I’m packing. Ugh. I’m fucking disgusting. Even if I did like him, which I don’t, he would be completely out of my damn league. He’s beautiful and sweet, and I’m just a bitter foot.

Seriously though, god _damn_. He’s tall. Definitely a lot taller than me, which isn’t really an accomplishment, but the fact still stands. Stands at a lanky-ass 6’4 for that matter. I don’t even come up to his shoulder; last I checked I was about 4’11. I’m full grown and I don’t even hit five foot. Lucky bastard. Despite his lankiness, he still appears slightly muscular. He’s not super buff or anything but...there’s definitely something there. I wonder if he could carry me. That’s irrelevant. That absolutely does not fucking matter. There is no situation where that would be rele-

I jump as the coffee maker beeps. Shit, was I thinking of Dave that whole time? Dumb stupidly cute douchebag. Stupidly cute? What the fuck is wrong with me? I pour my mug and look at the clock. It’s 3:45 am. I sigh and continue to make my coffee how I like it. Two packs of sugar and a dash of milk. Dave drinks his with mostly milk and a dash of coffee, like a fucking heathen. Why would he even drink coffee if he’s not going to add any more than that? Him and his stupid sugarless-coffee-flavored-milk-drinking mouth. With that particular set of lips. And that smile...and we’re back at square one again. Goddammit, why does he have to be so fucking pretty?! His hair is so fluffy and soft...and his eyebrows are dark and frame his stunning eyes so well. Have I mentioned his eyes are pretty? Because his eyes are fucking pretty. Jesus shit. I want to kiss him gently, rest my forehead on his, and eskimo kiss him like a fucking nerd... I just want to be close to him so badly...I want to be able to take in every little detail and freckle and...fuck. Fucking. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck.

Fuck his stupid pretty face. I take a sip of my coffee. It’s scalding hot and I almost spit it on the damn floor. At least I’m awake now? God fucking- Ugh. I have to stop thinking about him. How the hell am I going to look him in the eye after this shit? What am I even going to say? _‘Hey Dave, wanna know what I did last night? I stayed up until 4am thinking about how fucking pretty you are until I was forced to drink coffee and stay up for 24 hours!’_ Christ.

I set down my coffee mug and stare at the wall. I’ve got to stop this. I’m oily, my teeth are crooked, my hair looks like shit, I’m loud, I’m annoying, I’m nothing. He’s so much more than I could ever hope to have. It’s so fucking unfair. Why did he have to walk into my pitiful little life with his cute quirks and his dumb jokes? Why did he have to come around and jumble up my insides like this? Why do I want him to love me so badly? Why can’t I accept the fact he never will? I feel something run down my cheek. Did I start crying? Jesus fuck...

I rub my face, muttering curses under my breath. This is fucking bullshit. This needs to stop. This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t feel like this. I need to stop falling for every damn person who looks at me. I just- He’s different. He shouldn’t be different. He shouldn’t give me butterflies when I so much as think about him, and his face shouldn’t be in my damn thoughts every waking moment! None of this should be happening. I know I have no fucking chance, and I should just move on and stop feeling like this. You know, like a normal person. But there’s just some fucking broken-ass piece of my brain that’s still convinced I have even a sliver of a chance. There’s just something about the way Dave acts. The small compliments, delivered with an awkward stutter and the times he’s been there for me when I was having bad days. Like one time, I was having nonstop breakdowns for a full week; he went out and bought me a pint of one of my favorite ice creams. We sat, talked... and he actually made me laugh. He seems like such an insensitive jackass sometimes but he’s so sweet on the inside.

I pick up my coffee and sniffle, looking at the clock. It’s 4:25. This is fucking stupid. This is so fucking stupid. I grumble as I walk back into my room and climb into bed. Setting my mug on the table, I click on my phone.

There’s a message from Dave. I quickly unlock it and reply. The familiar warmth fills my chest, I fucking hate myself for it.

 

TG: dude you up?

CG: YEAH, HAVE BEEN FOR A WHILE.

TG: cool, cool 

TG: i mean...not cool if you cant sleep

TG: cause thats my situation right now

CG: SAME. 

 

I mentally kick myself. “Same?” That’s all I got?

 

TG: wanna like...call or somethin

TG: idk man im just bored

CG: I SUPPOSE WE COULD. IT’S ALMOST 5AM BUT IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT? I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

 

He doesn’t miss a beat. He calls and I answer just as quickly. Possibly a little too quickly.

“Oh...hey.” His voice is deep and gravelly. I briefly thank god for my insomnia.

“Hey.” I reply, way too fucking quickly and a little too happily. There’s a stretch of awkward silence. It makes my skin crawl.

I hear him chuckle on the other end and god, that’s a beautiful sound. “What the hell are you laughing at?” I can’t get the smile off my face.

“You answered the damn call at like...the speed of fuckin’ light.”

My face feels warm and my smile droops. “I was bored. Are you not?”

“Well...alright, yeah. At least I can count on your ass to be up, you nocturnal little shit.”

“I try my damn best to be here, obviously I’m only nocturnal for this reason and this reason only.” I roll my eyes and continue. “What the hell are you doing up anyway?”

“O-Oh well...just one of those nights I guess. Couldn’t sleep no matter what I tried... Why are you up?”

I panic for a split second. “Same reason. Just, uh, one of those nights.” I pick up my coffee to take a sip.

“...Are you drinking coffee? No wonder you can’t sleep.”

I roll my eyes and put the mug back. “I tried fucking sleeping before I made it, I wasn’t getting anywhere with it so I thought I might as well wake up fully. Lucky for you, I went with that damn plan.”

“Well, talking to you is infinitely better than just watching more porn I guess. Not like that! I’m not gonna beat my meat to the sound of your voice or anything, don’t panic. My meat is already beat. He’s recharging.” I hear a soft “jesus fuck” on the other line.

I’m cracking up. It was way more than I needed to know, but he’s kinda adorable when he goes off on little awkward tangents.

I snort as I laugh. I want to die. “O-oh my god...Dave holy shit. Listen, I know I just have the hottest voice ever but could you refrain from touching your dick when I’m on the other line?” I hear him chuckle. “Anyway, how was your porn?”

“Poorly made. It was kinda hot but it wasn’t anything special. How was your...uh...whatever you were doing before this?”

My brain stops at a halt. I need an answer and quick. I look around my room frantically and my eyes fall on the coffee mug. “I made coffee, stared at a wall, then cried.”

“...What?” What. Jesus fuck.

“Y-You know...the usual?”

“Do you frequently cry into coffee while making walls super uncomfortable?”

“Do you not?” Why the hell am I like this?

I hear him chuckle again on the other line. God, what a beautiful sound. “Alright, alright. Sorry I didn’t get the memo on the emotional coffee. So, what do you wanna do? Talk? Movie?” My brain silently begs me to say “you.” I ignore it almost completely.

“I was hoping you had a plan? I marathoned movies earlier, so I’m not exactly in the mood for more of that shit.”

I really just wanna hear more of his voice. He’s adorable when he goes off on his stupid rants and god, he sounds even better all raspy like this. I could listen to him like this for hours. But, right now I should really be paying attention to what he’s actually saying. God I need to stop fantasizing about his dumb ass.

“-doesn’t even have any good movies out right now so, guess we can talk. Not to mention me actually having to get my computer up. I don’t wanna move my leeeegs...”

I crack a smile, or maybe I was already smiling. “Fear no more, you lanky log. You don’t have to worry about getting your dumb ass out of bed. What do you wanna talk about?”

There’s a length of silence, it seems like it drones on forever before Dave replies. “I dunno. Nothing really pressing to discuss. Uh...wanna play twenty questions?”

“Twenty questions? What are we, twelve?” My anxiety settles in. This is gonna end up being a trainwreck.

“I mean, just a suggestion. We can do something else if you want?”

I think to myself for a moment. Who knows, could be interesting.

“Can’t think of anything else to do. You start.”

He pauses to think and my heart begins to race. The caffeine surely isn’t helping my anxiety either.

“What’s your favorite color?” Really? That’s...That’s it?

“O-Oh um...gray, I guess? What about you?”

“Red. Would’ve thought that one was obvious.”

I fight the urge to shove my entire leg down my esophagus. Of course I already knew that. Why the fuck would I ask? Jesus, now it seems like I never listen to him or pay attention to a word he says! I’m a fucking idiot.

“Uh dude? It’s your turn.” Fuck.

“Shit, sorry. Um, what’s your favorite...ice cream flavor?”

“Rocky road. I already know yours is boring old vanilla.” How dare he insult my fucking ice cream choices.

“Hey! Vanilla is fucking good. It’s a classic.” Who the fuck does he think he is?

“It’s boring and you know it. Seriously, not even chocolate?” This bitch.

“It’s the foundation of all ice creams. Without vanilla you would never have your sacred rocky road.”

“Fair. What’s your favorite song?” Shit. That one’s actually kinda hard.

“If I had to pick one I guess it would be Sweaters In Summer by she/her/hers? You probably never heard of her but...”

“Gonna be honest, I have no idea who that is. I’ll look her up later. Mine’s gotta be...fuck I dunno. This is my own damn question too.” He’s such an idiot. It’s adorable. God, I hate myself.

“I really like The Neighborhood? They have some good shit. I mean that’s not one singular song but...” Why does everything he say make me smile? This is hell. Fuck, I want to kiss him. God-fucking-dammit! Shit, it’s my turn.

“Question four, right? Hmm...favorite memory as a kid?” That should keep him talking for a while. I have to seriously get my shit together. Every word that comes out of his mouth makes me feel warm inside. His voice makes my head spin and I have it so bad for him that it’s not even funny. This is so fucking unfair. I know he’ll never like me back but...there’s nothing wrong with a little hope? Or maybe there is if I keep zoning out like this. I focus my attention back to the other line. He’s...silent. That’s strange. Did he finish talking? Did I completely miss it? Did he even start talking at all? I wait thirty more seconds before I decide to say something.

“Dave? You...still there? The call drop or something?”

Silence.

“Dave?”

I hear rustling and the call ends.

What the fuck? Did I say something? Was I thinking out loud? I don’t think I was? Did I scare him off? I quickly send him a message.

 

CG: DAVE?

CG: YOU THERE? WHAT HAPPENED?

 

There’s no reply. I fucked up. I really fucked up, but where did I fuck up? That just makes me more shitty, how don’t I know?

 

CG: ARE YOU OKAY? SERIOUSLY, WHAT HAPPENED?

CG: DID I SAY SOMETHING?

CG: HELLO?

 

Fuck. Fucking. Fuck. I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked-

TG: sorry

TG: fuck

CG: NO, DON’T APOLOGIZE. I SHOULD BE THE ONE APOLOGIZING HERE.

TG: dude you did nothing wrong 

TG: dont worry

TG: seriously

CG: I KIND OF FEEL LIKE I DID DO SOMETHING. WAS I THINKING ALOUD? DID I SAY SOMETHING?

TG: dude, no

TG: im just kind of a pussy

CG: WHAT?

TG: forget i said anything

CG: WHAT THE HELL? NO, YOU’RE NOT OKAY. TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

TG: goodnight karkat

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 5:23 A.M--

 

CG: FUCK! NO, COME BACK.

CG: DAVE.

CG: I’M SORRY OKAY? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID.

CG: I KNOW YOU’RE NOT OKAY.

CG: DAMMIT.

 

I’m a colossal fuck up. If I even had half a chance with him before, I basically just murdered it right in front of my eyes. I’m shaking, I just realized. I plug my phone back in, missing it a few times and wrap my arms around myself. I instantly wish they were Dave’s arms and there’s a stab of pain in my heart. I lay down, tears leaking a little bit more out of my eyes. Why am I crying? I’m not even the one who got hurt. I’m a selfish bastard. I curl up into a ball and bite my lip, burying my face into the pillow. I’m a jackass. I’m such a fucking jackass.

 

\---

 

I’m warm. Pleasantly warm. That’s the first thing I notice. I nuzzle closer, smiling softly. This is nice. Someone’s arms are wrapped around me, holding me close. Then I smell something familiar. A cologne of some sort. I know where it’s from but I can’t put my finger on—

 

“Aren’t you so lucky to havwe me?”

 

No. Fuck no. What the fuck...what the fuck...

I can’t move. I can’t push him away. His arms remain wrapped around me. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything. He pulls away slightly and looks at me, cracking a smirk. He leans in. Fuck. No. No. No!

I can’t move, I can’t object. I kiss back, my body out of my control. I smile at him. He sighs. “Wvhen are ya gonna let me see your tits, Dakota?” Fucking bastard. Stupid fucking piece of shit bastard. “You knovw no guy’s gonna like ya if ya such a prude.” I want nothing more than to kick him square in his tiny dick. “I mean it’s fair, ya kinda ugly. I’m not picky though.” Shut up. “I might be the only guy wvilling to fuck ya.” SHUT UP. “You kinda got Kankri’s face, too bad ya don’t got his figure. Bet he’d be real good in bed if he just let me in.” I want to puke and cry at the same time. “Vwhatewver. I can settle for this. Probably the only one who vwill at this point.” He starts kissing down my neck. I feel the first kiss. Second. The third is fleeting. Then there’s nothing. It’s cold. I still can’t move.

There’s nothing here, it’s just dark. I hear a voice.

 

“He’s right you know.”

 

Dave?

He appears in front of me. He has his usual blank expression, but I can sense he’s angry. He walks closer.

“He was the only one that was ever going to love you. Do you seriously think I ever would?” He blows air through his nose. “You’re pretty fucking ugly. He was especially right about that. You’re not even a real boy either. Quit pretending you are.”  
I open my mouth to talk. It actually works. “W-What?”  
I think he rolls his eyes. “Are you deaf?”  
I blink. When did I start crying again? “You don’t mean that. You can’t. After everything...Y-You can’t- You’re not like him. You can’t be like him.”  
He laughs and for once it’s a horrible noise. “You really think I care about you? You’re more annoying than anything.” I sniffle. Why? Why the fuck is this happening? I remain silent. He begins to speak again. “You deserved it. Everything that happened to you.”  
My voice comes out small. “I know.”

There’s a noise. It echos through the void of my dream. It’s similar to a hum. I look around. Dave starts to fade, but he keeps talking. “You’re nothing to me. You never will be. Don’t get your hopes up.” I hear the hum again. It sounds more like a buzz now. Everything starts to fade.

 

\---

 

I wake up. My eyes are crusted over. I must have been crying in my sleep. Sitting up slowly, I realize how shitty I feel. Hollow, numb, and even more tired than I was before. I grab my coffee off the table and take a sip. It’s cold. I cough and set it back down. I discover what the hum was in my dream. My phone is going off, it must have woke me up. I check the messages.

It’s Dave.

 

TG: hey sorry

TG: i promise you did nothing wrong

TG: dont blame yourself youre like...not related whatsoever

TG: im just kinda funny about my childhood i guess?

TG: idk

TG: listen i dont want to freak you out with all this shit

TG: its kinda heavy stuff

TG: fuck

TG: jesus why am i still typing

TG: i shouldnt have said anything

TG: its fucking stupid

TG: seriously dont be concerned

TG: i should be over it by now, really

TG: fucking hell

TG: im probably going to wake you up with my bullshit

TG: like

TG: ding ding ding rise and shine its your favorite needy piece of shit

TG: anyway just sweet dreams or w/e

TG: ignore this when you wake up

CG: HEY, WAIT! I’M UP.

  
CG: IT’S OKAY, YOU CAN TALK TO ME.

TG: fuck

TG: did i wake you up?

CG: YEAH, BUT IT’S FOR THE BETTER. I WAS HAVING A BAD DREAM. 

CG: TO SAY THE LEAST.

TG: hey you know whats a good conversation topic?

TG: your dream 

TG: much better than my *tragic backstory*

CG: WELL MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY DAMN DREAM? YOU CLEARLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT WAS BUGGING YOU.

TG: or maybe i clearly dont

TG: im over it, i swear

CG: THEN WHY DID YOU HANG UP AND DISAPPEAR FOR, LIKE, THREE GODDAMN HOURS?

TG: im fucking fine!

CG: DAVE.

TG: what

CG: FUCKING TALK TO ME.

CG: PLEASE.

CG: YOU CAN’T LOOK UP, READ THOSE MESSAGES YOU SENT ME, AND HONEST TO GOD TELL ME YOU’RE “fine.”

TG: ill block you i swear to god

CG: FOR WHAT? TRYING TO FUCKING HELP YOU?

TG: karkat.

TG: drop it.

CG: UGH! FINE.

TG: thanks

CG: LISTEN, I’M HERE IF YOU WANT TO TALK LATER, ALRIGHT?

TG: yeah sure 

TG: whatever

 

There’s a pause in the conversation. I can’t stop thinking about what he said. What the fuck happened to him as a kid? Were his parents assholes? Yelled at him? Beat him? Worse? My brain rushes through all the possibilities. Maybe he has memory loss and he’s embarrassed about it? That could be it, totally.

 

TG: my brother started beating me when i was 10

 

Oh.

 

TG: he was

TG: well

TG: fucked in the head, i guess

TG: he looked like an older version of dirk?

TG: you met dirk before, right?

CG: YEAH? 

TG: yeah ok so

TG: bros not actually my brother?

TG: dirk is, bro wasnt

TG: bro was our dad

TG: rose and roxys too

TG: he told us to call him “bro” so we just assumed

TG: thats the “brother” im talking about here

TG: he ran a porn site and had a shit load of money

TG: not like he ever spent any of it on us but

TG: he left his puppets and shit everywhere

  
TG: seriously? the fuck is up with that? 

TG: who looks at a puppet and goes “damn id fuck that”

TG: theyre fucking TERRIFYING

CG: THE FUCK?

TG: exactly!

TG: anyway, im pretty sure he used the majority of his money on buying fucking anime swords n shit

TG: he bought me my first one when i was 10 and thats when shit started getting really bad for me

TG: i knew he and dirk “sparred” all the time on the roof. thats what dirk called it for a while. now we both know he was just beating the shit out of us for kicks

TG: he always came back into the room bruised up and bloody

TG: he taught me how to take care of injuries since i was 7

TG: he even taught me how to do my own stitches

TG: anyway

TG: hed leave us notes, he usually wasnt even in the fucking house

TG: one of us would have to go up to the roof and fight him when he left one

TG: bro never lost a single match

TG: he never really took care of us either

TG: honestly dirk took care of me more than anything

  
TG: i really fucking owe him

  
TG: he took a lot of hits for me

TG: up until he turned 18 at least. i never blamed him for leaving though

TG: i was 15 at the time, i was angry for about a year but...by then i kinda figured out why he got the hell out of there

TG: bro never really bought us food or anything either

  
TG: he stocked the pantry with the bare necessities about once a month when we were kids

TG: after dirk turned 16 he stopped completely, luckily dirk got a job so we had a little bit of money

TG: it really fucking sucked when he left

TG: i think i only ate three times a week? i got dry cereal if i was lucky

TG: bro always talked about how this was supposed to make us stronger or “make us men” 

TG: whatever the hell that was supposed to mean

TG: i looked up to him for a really really long time

TG: like...idolized him

TG: probably until i was 14 or 15 i guess, idk

TG: i thought he was cool...like, really cool

TG: i had a pair of shades like dirks that i wore all the time until i got my current ones

  
TG: john mailed them to me when i was 13

TG: bro had the same stupid anime shades

  
TG: i dont know why dirk still wears his

  
TG: or why dirk still looks like a younger clone of that asshole

TG: seriously, fuck bro

CG: DAVE...

TG: yeah?

CG: I HAD NO IDEA. I’M SO FUCKING SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THAT. SERIOUSLY, HOLY HELL.

CG: WAIT, WHO WAS YOUR MOTHER? WHY DIDN’T SHE GET CUSTODY OF YOU TWO?

TG: never met her

TG: she had custody of rose and roxy, luckily those two were spared of him  
TG: from what they’ve told me she was a scientist who was also extremely good with technology 

TG: she taught roxy everything she knew  
TG: i guess she was a fairly good mother. she did have one hell of a drinking problem though

TG: i dont blame her

TG: she died of alcohol poisoning about a year ago

CG: DAVE, I’M SO FUCKING SORRY. I REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE ASKED...JESUS HELL...

TG: just please dont tell anyone

CG: NO, NO, OF COURSE NOT

CG: WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO BRO? JAIL?

TG: no fuckin clue

TG: dirk got me out when i turned 18, ive been living with him and my sisters since

TG: listen, fuck

TG: can i come over or something?

TG: i feel like fucking shit i just

TG: i dont wanna be alone

TG: i mean, im not alone but

TG: dirks working on one of his projects and i think rose and rox are asleep for once

CG: YEAH, IT’S COMPLETELY FINE. WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP?

TG: nah man its fine, i can drive

CG: ARE YOU SURE?

TG: yeah

TG: see you in like 10 mins max

 

\--turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 8:14 A.M--

 

I hop out of bed. How could anybody do that to him? I can’t wrap my fucking head around it. How could anybody hurt Dave? Dave, with his bright eyes and tiny smiles, his dumb jokes, long legs, cute laugh, pale skin...his everything. God.

I quickly get out of my old shirt, slip a sports bra on, and change into a fresh t-shirt. I pull some sweatpants on over my boxers and head to the bathroom.

After taking a much needed piss, splashing some cold water on my face, and brushing my teeth, I get a good look at myself in the mirror. I hate absolutely everything I see. My hair is getting way too long, I’m breaking out, I’ve got dark circles and bags, my teeth look crooked, my tits are definitely visible, my eyebrows are a fucking mess-

There’s a knock on the door. I hurriedly rush out of the bathroom and through my living room to answer it. Dave stands tall above me. He looks like shit, but he still manages to make my heart do stupid things in my chest. His shades are hanging on the collar of his shirt and I can actually see his eyes for once. They’re still beautiful but, he looks distant. I realize that I’m staring when he waves a hand in front of my face.

“Hello? Earth to Karkat?” He has an eyebrow raised and the slightest of curves at the edge of his lips. The smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

I blink and step aside to let him in, blushing. “Hey...Fuck, sorry I just-”

“Got lost in my eyes?” Dammit.

“No! I’m just, uh, tired and shit.” It amazes me how he can pop jokes while he’s literally crumbling in front of me.

“Yeah, sure.” He takes a step in and there’s a small stretch of awkward silence before I break it.

“Want some coffee, dumbass?” I close the door after him before gesturing in the direction of my kitchen. He nods and makes his way towards the coffee maker. I follow behind him, making an effort and failing to not look at his ass. It is indeed, a very nice ass.

I start up a new pot of coffee, enough for the two of us, before remembering just what I was thinking about while I was doing this a few hours ago. He’s leaning against the counter, zoned out and silent. He’s usually babbling on about anything and everything he can, so he’s rarely quiet for this long. I speak up again. “So um...anything in particular you wanna do?”

He snaps out of it and glances at me. “I mean...I guess we can chill out with our coffees and watch a movie? We can also just talk or whatever?” He shrugs.

I nod slightly. “I’ll let you pick the movie this time. I’m sure you’ve had enough of my romcom bullshit.”

He chuckles and I instantly smile a little. It’s such a cute sound. Seriously, how is everything about him so goddamn cute? I just wanna kiss his stupid lips and watch his cheeks turn pink and tell him that I love him and-

The coffee maker beeps and I jump. Deja vu.

Dave’s arms are crossed and he has a tiny smile on his face. “It’s terrifying, really.”

I flip him off and tell him to grab some mugs while I get the milk. I walk over to my fridge to pick up the half gallon. I hear a smash and I look over to see that Dave dropped one of the mugs. Ceramic pieces now litter the floor. It looked like it was once a shitty Christmas one my dad probably bought me, so it’s not a huge loss on my end. The other mug he grabbed thankfully survived.

Dave starts apologizing profusely. “Dude fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to break it...shit. I’ll clean it up, seriously. Holy fuck, I’m an idiot.”

I place the milk on the counter and shut the fridge. “Dave, It’s fine. It’s a mug not the end of the world.”

He starts quickly picking up the pieces with his bare hands.

“Dave, be careful you’re gonna-”

Before I even finish speaking, he yelps. Throwing the pieces in his hand into the trash, he examines it. A small cut on his palm begins to leak red and he goes rigid. Watching it drip, he begins to tremble.

I slowly and carefully walk towards him.

“Dave? Are you okay?”

He doesn’t reply.

“Don’t worry about the rest of the mug, I’ll sweep it up. I’ll...I’ll get you a band-aid.”

He doesn’t move a muscle and his eyes remain fixated on his wound.  
I go into my cabinet and grab a bandage before walking over to the sink. I wet a paper towel and wring it out, then I grab a dry one. I look over at Dave, who is still frozen and shaking. I slowly walk back over to him, my heart breaking as I can clearly see his expression of pure terror.

I speak softly. “Dave?”

He finally tears his eyes off his hand to make eye contact with me.

“Want to move over to the couch so I can patch up your hand?”

His voice comes out shaky. “W-What?”

I carefully reach out and grab his unharmed hand. “Just follow me, alright? Careful, there’s sharp shit on the floor.”

I lead him out of the kitchen and over to my couch, trying to glance over the fact that we’re holding hands and that my fingers feel all tingly and...I’m not really glancing over the fact anymore, am I?

He sits down, still kind of out of it, as I take his other hand and wipe the blood away. I gently clean the cut with the wet paper towel before pressing the dry one to it to stop the bleeding. I take a moment to appreciate the contrast in our skin colors. My caramel skin looks so much darker in comparison. I got it from my parents, who grew up in Mexico. I was born in Maryland, but we did visit family when I was six. I don’t remember much, but I know my dad has a few pictures.

Snapping back to reality, I realize I’ve just been sitting here and holding his hand. He seems to be coming down from his panic attack. I move the paper towel off his hand and stick on the bandaid.

He examines his palm and wiggles his fingers. God he’s fucking adorable. Dave gives me a tiny genuine smile. “T-Thanks...F-Fucking hell. Sorry I-I-”

On impulse, I lean forward and wrap my arms around him. He tenses up at first, but then I feel him almost melting into my touch. He wraps his arms around me and then it hits me.

We’re hugging. I’m hugging him. It’s happening. He’s pulling me closer and pressing his face into the crook of my neck and he’s perfectly warm and he’s crying and-

Wait, shit, he’s crying.

He slumps into me pitifully, sniffling and sobbing quietly. I rub his back and shoosh him, trying to sooth him.

Time passes, and in about ten minutes he’s stopped crying. I get him a box of tissues and let him clean himself up. We make eye contact, and for a second I think he’s about to lean in and kiss me. He doesn’t and I can feel my face grow hot with embarrassment. I can’t believe I thought he would. I’m more of a fucking idiot than I already believed I was.

He starts apologizing between sniffles. I realize my hand was still resting on his back so I awkwardly move it to my lap. “Dave, it’s okay. It’s totally fine.”

He’s sitting close enough to me that our thighs are brushing. I still feel warm where he hugged me. I guess it’s a strange effect he has. However, I still can’t stand the awkward contact. I just don’t want to move away.

Dave speaks up again. “So uh, d-do you still wanna drink that coffee?”

Shit. I completely forgot. “Oh fuck, right. I’ll clean up the rest of the mug and I’ll make our coffees. I know how you like yours.” Did that sound creepy? That probably sounded creepy. I walk into the kitchen, grabbing the broom and pan to clean up the remains of the broken glass. Afterward, I make the two of our coffees. One of which is coffee flavored milk, just how he likes it.

He sips it and smiles. “Thanks dude. Seriously. Remind me to buy you a new Christmas mug.”

I sit down next to him. “Oh god no, please don’t. My dad gets me one every year. Half the mugs I own have Rudolph’s ass painted on them somewhere.”

Dave smirks. “Just his ass?” He’s back to his old dipshit self.

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my coffee. “No, sorry. We don’t have any cups with the artwork of a children character’s furry asshole painted on it.”

Dave snorts. It takes all of my willpower to not pull him into a kiss. What would kissing Dave even feel like? Would sparks fly? Would angels begin to sing? My brain wanders off and my face starts to turn pink. Just my luck, Dave notices.

“Dude, what? Thinking about Rudolph’s sweet ass too hard?”

I nearly spit out my coffee. “W-What?! No!” We make direct eye contact again. My face is definitely heating up now.

“Sure, that’s what everyone says. Next thing they know, bam! Uncomfortable boner from a magical deer cartoon.”

I’m not about to take this harassment. “I’m sure you would know. Tell me Dave, have _you_ ever popped a boner from the classic Christmas tale?”

Dave smirks as I begin to take a sip of coffee. “Hell yes. My secret fetish is to have reindeer horns up my ass.”

I splutter and spit coffee everywhere, choking and laughing. He sounded so fucking serious, what the hell. He’s cracking up too. I set down my coffee and flip him off for the second time, trying to cough up the coffee that pulled itself into my lungs. Holy fuck.

We settle back into normal conversation and I nearly have seventy heart attacks regarding his stupid goddamn face. I didn’t think one person could be so fucking gorgeous. He’s too good for me and I know it, but I swear to god he looks at me differently. He always seems to have a little smile on his face and he sits a little closer to me than any of his other friends. Currently we’re just sitting and talking on the couch with our legs brushing, and it’s electrifying. God, I’m so gay.

Dave speaks up again. “Do you wanna finish our game?”

I look over to him, making an effort to hold eye contact without blushing and looking away. Our faces are too fucking close. “What, the twenty questions? Are you sure you want to continue that?”

He nods. “Just uh... Don’t ask any, y’know, family questions.”

There’s a bit of silence that hangs in the air before I break it. “Who’s turn is it and what question were we on?”

He thinks for a moment. “I think you asked the fourth question? We didn’t get very far. Want me to just skip to five?”

I nod. “Yeah, sure. Ask away.”

He doesn’t skip a beat. “What’s your favorite D&D moment?”

I smile. “Probably when Terezi made you roll a strength for a high five and your character ended up punching mine in the face. You’re still an asshole for that by the way. Altarf never forgot.”

He smirks. Fuck. “No regrets.”

I roll my eyes. “What about you?”

He shrugs. “Same, honestly. Next question.”

We continued our questions, joking about shit and pissing on the floor. I didn’t ask any more family questions and I found out why in fuck’s holy name he chose an elf over a dragonborn. Everything was going great until it got down to question seventeen.

Dave ran out of ideas before asking me the dreaded question.

“Do you have a crush on anyone?”

I tensed up, panicked. We made a deal earlier on in the game that neither of us could lie. A deal’s a deal. “...Yeah. You?”

He nodded and in that moment I felt my heart shatter. I continued the game, curiosity stepping on my throat like an angry and blind rhino.

“Um...Who?” The second the question left my mouth, it hit me. I was going to have to confess. I’m fucking stupid! I’m so fucking stupid! God fucking-

“You.”

What. “What?”

He’s beet red. “I um, I said that I have a crush on you.” He’s not making eye contact anymore. “So uh, who’s the lucky person on your mind?”

My face cracks into the biggest smile I think I’ve ever been capable of. There’s no fucking way this is happening to me. “You.” My smile fades slightly as my mind races. “Fuck, this is a joke right? You have to be joking.”

He’s staring at me with wide eyes. God, they’re beautiful.

“I uh...It’s...m-my uh, turn. To ask questions. So, um. Question nineteen: Will y-you kiss me?”

It takes me less than half a second to answer his dumb fucking question. “Hell yes.”

I lean closer to him and slowly close my eyes. Dave hesitates for a second before leaning down and pressing our trembling lips together. He’s much more gentle than I expected, and god damn his lips are soft. It feels like the world is going in slow motion. I love every moment of it. We break away after a few seconds, staring breathlessly at each other.

I break the silence first. “S-So...” A smile quickly races across his blushing face. I just want to kiss his dumb face all over. “Question twenty: W-Was that good?”  

He tries to talk, but he’s too flustered to get the words out. He ends up just nodding. I think I’m the luckiest guy on the planet. Slowly, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him back down to my lips. I feel his hands move to rest on my sides and I think I’m in paradise. Then it hits me, mid-kiss. Dave actually fucking likes me back.

A huge smile spreads across my face and I laugh into the kiss, soon moving to bury my face in his chest. He holds me close and hides his face in my hair.

 

Thank god for my fucking insomnia.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
